impeded by fear

from my perspective, so much potential human interaction is prevented by fear. i will admit that i am not immune to this emotion, and i can empathize with the anxieties of offending, rejection, or committing some sort of social faux pas. and then having to deal with the repercussions of shame, humiliation, embarrassment, vulnerability, awkwardness, [insert negative emotion here].

i think i am lucky in that i am well-equipped to deal with social fears. i am often anxious, nervous, shy, and afraid. when it comes to strangers, i suck it up and do what i have to do. if i am at an interview, i try my best to impress. if i know this is someone i need to respect, i act accordingly. if i am asking something of them, i try to be polite and assertive. some rules are easy to follow.

when it comes to people who are capable of affecting our feelings, such as hurting us, uplifting us, making us feel loved, it gets more complicated. there is so much to consider. how much of our actions should be premeditated, how much should we strategize before speaking, making a move, responding to someone? also, is it fair to expect that the other person has put as much thought as we did when we made our decisions to take a particular course of action, to utter a specific sentence?

my heart often feels heavy when my loved ones are unhappy with their situations. i can only do so much as a bystander. i can offer my ear to listen, and i can offer my words to console. it pains me to not be able to alleviate people of their hurt. but really, we have to heal ourselves from within.

(disconnect)

i used to worry a lot about other people. i still do, but in a different way. instead of fearing their perception of me, i realized that others are out of my control. instead of worrying about their feelings, i just tried harder to make sure my words were not rude, but not fearing to offend so much that everything became filtered. in the end, being myself has paid off much more than monitoring myself had ever done. once you are honest with yourself, then you can be free from worry. by being myself, i can let others in, and i can be fearless. if someone doesn't like me for who i am, then they do not need to be around me, and vice versa. i don't think that my opinions are that offensive, and i don't have many malicious thoughts. i don't purposely harm people and i think my actions are quite benign.

in the end, we can let fear get the best of us, or we can conquer it by facing our demons and insecurities. easier said than done, but we have to start somewhere or else we'll get caught up in a cycle of complacency and discontent.